Ew. I just got some blog on me.: August 2005

What a week

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Between the budget meeting hell that I'm in, as well as the hurricane relief efforts we're putting together at the station, this has been a busy week. Sorry the regular, humorous posting has been postponed. It'll be a couple of days before I can get back to normal on the ole blog...

However, I did think of a couple of posts I'll put forth in the near future.

- I think my cat is left-handed

...and, because everyone is so fond of my bathroom observations...

- Poop and the morning routine

If anyone would like to help with the hurricane relief, you can make a donation to our website, Storm Aid, which was actually set up for the Tsunami relief, but has been re-activated for the gulf coast folks. They're saying that thousands may already be dead...if you're the praying type, they would be a great point of focus.

Thanks for reading. :)

posted by PJ
10:10 AM
5 comments

Weekend Recap

Monday, August 29, 2005

Whoa. I've been all out-of-sorts lately. Not sure why. The biggest blessing in disguise has been the day-long budgets we were supposed to do today, but got pushed back until tomorrow. I've been able to get very caught up on work, for the first time in a long while.

I guess I don't really have much funny to say, so I'll just recap the weekend and hope something funny comes of it.

Friday night:

I do sound for Heather's band. Yes, she sings in a band. Yes, that's sooooooo hot. Many of the gigs are at bars/clubs/venues with many people. However, every now and then, the band will do a private party. Such was the case on Friday.

The location was a golf course country club West of Wichita. The approximate attendance: 60. The average age: 60.

Whoa, boy.

After the first hour, it really almost became laughable. The band did very well, as always, but I'm not sure what the crowd expected. It sure wasn't us. They just kind of looked on in awe.

Sure, they'd slow dance and get excited about a rendition of "Proud Mary", but the majority of the gig just became band-members screwing around while the party talked amongst themselves.

I figure there's no better way to show how uncomfortable the evening was then to end this part of the story in just as uncomfortable of a fashion.

The End.

Saturday:

If you're into Noodle Bongs, you would've enjoyed yourself on Saturday. This time, it's Tiz's b-day, so we all got virtually hammered WELL before the sun went down. You know, the great thing about getting drunk before dark is that by the time you make it home, you still get enough sleep to survive the next day.

Between new Noodle Bong escapades, to the argument over pussy- versus dick-drinks, to playing pool chicken, it was a considerably eventfull day. It's interesting how a few drinks can cause a bunch of adults to completely disregard the rules we set forth upon children when it comes to playing in/around a pool. I guess that's what makes us the adults.

Sunday:

I didn't do anything. Really. I didn't even leave my house. I put shorts on only long enough so the pizza guy wouldn't freak out when I answered the door. Ta-da!

The End again.

All of a sudden, the only funny thing in this post today is how unfunny it is. I'm laughing to myself knowing many of you will just be like, "Ugh. Well THAT wasn't worth it."

If it makes you feel better, this post feels like a Go Bot. You know, the bastard brother to Transformers? Come to think of it, I think Hasbro not only has Monopoly, but they had a monopoly in the mid-eighties. That's why Go Bots never got their due recognition.

posted by PJ
9:22 AM
6 comments

Would you like IOUs with that?

Friday, August 26, 2005

I'm in a hurry to get home.

I have nothing in particular to get home to. Just tired of being "not home". I've just finished my haircut, and need to get gas.

As I'm getting gas, I look across the street and see a fast food joint.

"Sounds as good as anything," I mutter to myself.

When you live by yourself, you find little reason to cook. I haven't cooked anything short of a microwave meal in years.

As I pull through the fast food joint's drive-thru, I order like usual. I get to the window. I choose to pay with my credit card.

*swipe*

*10 seconds pass*

Drive-Thru-Helmet-Wearer: "I'm sorry sir, the credit card machine has been hit or miss today. It hasn't been working with everyone. Would you like to try a different card?"

Me: "Uh, OK. I suppose"

*swipe*

*10 seconds pass*

DTHW: "I'm sorry sir. Same problem. It's our machine's fault. Do you have cash you can pay with?"

Me: "Nope."

DTHW: "OK. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll print off a receipt showing you paid, and you can just bring it in and pay at a later date."

Me: "..."

DTHW: "Is that OK?"

Me: *trying not to giggle* "Uh, yeah. Sure. No problem."

DTHW: "Great. Here's your food. Have a great day."

Yes. You read that correctly. I got an IOU from a fast food place. There's no indication of my name or similar on the receipt, not to mention it shows I paid for the food.

Who the fuck, in their right mind, would go BACK to a place and pay for something they don't need to? I might feel morally obligated, but I feel like free food is adequate compensation for the inconvenience of their stupid machine not working, so to me, it's a wash.

If there was ever a sign that certain people were destined to spend their careers as fast food attendants, consider this the apocolyptic version.

Wow.

posted by PJ
10:57 AM
12 comments

7 Things

Thursday, August 25, 2005

I got tagged by Shanshu.

Seven things I:

Plan to do before I die:
- Get married
- Have kids
- Buy a house
- Travel to Japan
- Buy a car worth more than my house
- Retire
- Lose a few pounds so when I'm in the shower, I can look straight down and see my penis.

Can Do:
- Drive a car with a manual transmission
- Play the tuba
- Expertly beatmix two songs
- Talk a woman into doing something she wouldn't normally do.
- Be friends with a woman without needing to hump her.
- Say what everyone else is thinking, but don't have the balls to.
- Beat a video game with Shanshu in less than 48 hours.

Can't do:
- Touch my elbows behind my back
- Roll my "R's"
- Stop being a work-a-holic
- Manage money as well as I would like
- Make my penis any bigger than it is
- Speak any other language
- Stop laughing at the fact that you tried to touch your elbows behind your back.

Am attracted to in the opposite sex:
- Sense of humor (Not just having one. Having a specific type of humor.)
- Ambition
- Teeth
- Eyes
- Ass
- Having the desire to have a man in your life, but not needing one.
- Outgoing, but not overwhelming, personality.

Say most:
- "I'm not gonna lie to ya..."
- "The reality is..."
- "Wud up?!"
- "Holla"
- "For fuck's sake..."
- "Oh her? She's just a friend."
- "Wanna come over and watch a movie?"

Celebrity Crushes:
- Jennifer Love Hewitt
- Eliza Dushku
- Rachel McAdams
- Jessica Alba
- Kelly Brook
- Jessica Simpson
- Milla Jovovich

People I want to take this quiz:
- Nameless
- Rich
- Musie
- Cass
- Baby Jewels
- Danius Maximus
- **~*E*~**

posted by PJ
9:00 AM
5 comments

What part of the chicken do the fries come from?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

This was first brought up by Cass.

Burger King now has "Chicken Fries".

After discussing the topic on Cass's blog, it came to light that no one had tried them. I decided, last night, to take one for the team, and try out our new fast-food-curiousity.

The verdict?

It's chicken. Really skinny chicken.

There's nothing funky about them at all. Take the regular chicken finger thingies you can buy from BK, make them long and skinny, and you have Chicken Fries.

To be honest, I'm actually a little disappointed. I thought they'd at least TASTE different or something. But alas, my dreams have waned.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

posted by PJ
8:09 AM
14 comments

To snip or not to snip...

Monday, August 22, 2005

I'm truly torn.

On one hand, I really think I could be good with children, and should have one or two eventually.

On the other hand, I'm not sure how you people do it!

Flashback to Saturday.

It's about 1:30pm, and I get a text from Heather** about Lauren's 5th birthday party, which is coming up at 4pm. Apparently, EVERYONE that got an invitation is going to show up. How the heck do you get THAT to happen?

Anyway, Heather, as a single parent, now has to oversee about 40+ kids with little parental supervision.

Hence, the text. She was hoping I could come by a little early and help out. I was planning on going anyway of course, but now I've been enlisted. Cool with me. I told her I'd just be her shadow during the party, and anytime she needed something specific done, to turn around and pout***.

Oh. My. God.

Here's what one minute for me was like at the party:

"No Alex, it's not your turn to bowl. It's Lauren's."

"No, sorry Lauren-who's-last-name-starts-with-an-R, I meant it's Lauren-who's-last-name-starts-with-an-A's turn."

"Arianna, can you please go get Cole's head out of the ball thingy"

"OK, Lauren, I'll come help you throw the ball"

"No, Lauren-who's-last-name-starts-with-an-R. I meant Lauren-who's-last-name-starts-with-an-A."

"Alex! Pull your pants up!"

"Ha ha ha...no that doesn't mean pull MY pants down."

"No Lauren, you can't pretend that the bowling lane is a Slip-N-Slide."

"No Lauren-who's-last-name-starts-with-an-R, you can't either."

"Alex. What's up? I look like a horse and you want to ride me? OK. Now you're just weird."

Ironically, none of these are my kids! Well...I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, I can't even imagine having this kind of stress on a daily basis. I'm sure it's different when they're your's, but wow. Don't get me wrong...this doesn't scare me from doing the kid thing in the future or think that I won't be that great at it (not including the time I played "fetch" with Lauren). I really DO want to have kids at some point. Perhaps a steady girlfriend would be in order...

I will say this. I think I accidentally gave myself a mental vasectomy on Saturday. I don't think I can get sperm to come out of me if I tried. I tried masturbating last night, and all I could muster was a puff of air. I'm sure that'll wear off, though.

I continue to garner new-found respect for parents, especially new parents and single parents. There's no joke to be made here. It's the toughest job in the world. Period.

In closing, I adore Lauren, and am excited she's five. Only 13 more years until she's as hot as her mom, and legally date-able. ;)

Here's the most-recent pic of me and Lauren (forgive that it's a camera-phone-pic):

Awwwwww.

Shut up. It's not cute! I'm gonna go scratch myself and pee on something to mark some territory. Red meat, anyone?

**Most don't know much about Heather, so a quick explanation: I consider myself to have 5 best friends. Shanshu has been around the longest, and is really more like a brother (I've even introduced him as such, and people buy it. I have another that lives in Nashville, another here (My Goddaughter's dad), and another that commutes between Wichita, Seattle, and Krypton ("Dave"). Last, but certainly not least, is Heather. Not to be confused with the Heather that has a linked-blog and that comments here. I don't know that one that well. "My" Heather, if you will, is defintely in my "best friends" rung of the "people I know" ladder, and the first female short of my sister that I'd turn to if I needed that perspective. Who am I kidding? She's as good or better with guy's perspective. :)

***HA! If you knew her, you'd think that statement is a funny as I do. Put it this way, she's not the pouting type. Not even close.

posted by PJ
12:28 PM
13 comments

I'm Hairy Muff

Friday, August 19, 2005

One of those funny blog quiz things again...

Your Outrageous Name Is

Harry Muff

Outrageous Name Generator

posted by PJ
4:00 PM
6 comments

Question this!

Some questions asked of me by **~*E*~**

1. On the best night of my life I…

...will look back on this question and think, "THIS is the answer!" I've always been an advocate for the "best is yet to come" philosophy. I don't feel like the best night of my life has happened yet.

2. What is your favorite city to visit (and why)?

This one's easy. Las Vegas. Sure, it's a pretty standard answer, but I really do enjoy the town. Most of my best stories started with, "So, there I was in Vegas..."

It takes me about a week to "get right" after a trip there, but the stories I can tell after a quick jaunt to V-town are worth the price of admission.

3. Shanshu is:

A. my bestest friend forever

B. my co-worker

C. my best blogging buddy

D. none of the above

There's not really and answer here that doesn't reek of gay, but for the sake of honesty...A, B, and C all qualify. We've been best friends for 14 years, so that takes care of A. We have worked together, so that's B. He's the one who got be started in the blog world, so that pretty much takes care of C.

But, his face looks funny, so I try not to claim him as someone I know unless I have to.

4. If you could only drink one drink for the next year it would be…

I'd probably stick with the old standard - Captain and Coke. It's been a staple of mine since college, so who am I to screw with the original?

5. Your all time favorite (I'm gonna change this to "right now", as my tastes seem to change by the week):

- Movie Quote
"Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood. I'm not going to fuck your mouth and my time is extremely valuable."
- Spottswoode in Team America: World Police

- Song Lyric
"We want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed."
- Ludacris in Usher's "Yeah"

- Piece of Advice
"Relationships are only difficult if they're not going your way."

Thanks for the questions **~*E*~** - anyone else fancy a go?

Official Interview Game Rules:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below asking to be interviewed.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

posted by PJ
9:33 AM
6 comments

Fast Food Finds

Thursday, August 18, 2005

When discussing fast food, many put the focus on the food. In this post, I'd like to focus on the non-food items that are the most, and least useful.

----------------------------------------------------------

Least useful: Ketchup Packets.

Show me one reason why these were ever a good idea. I dare you. Ketchup packets are a scourge on the human condition.

First, you can't open them, particularly if your hands are greasy. Then you use your teeth. Then you get the ketchup on you. Now, after having conquered the despicable packaging, you now have, uh, just enough ketchup for one fry.

Wha? All that work for less than an ounce of ketchup?

With the gluttonous society in which we live, you'd think we could get ketchup by the bathtub if we were so inclined. I mean, we can order a small ocean's worth of soda, yet we are relegated to only enough ketchup to stain our work clothes sufficiently?

Bastards.
-------------
Most useful: Extra Napkins.

When I get sick, I don't do anything. I mean nothing. I just sit in a primarily vegetative state and wallow in my own self pity.

As a result, I end up with a pretty dirty house. I don't really pick up after myself, and I sure as shit don't shop for necessary items to function.*** Case in point: Toilet Paper.

I haven't had toilet paper in my house in several days. It's not because I'm broke. It's not because I'm disgusting (BELIEVE me when I say I haven't had a guest over in a while for these obvious reasons). It's because every night in the last 10 days or so, I've had something to do, like a dinner or meeting. By the time I get home, I'm not that interested in cleaning, and I've forgotten that I need toilet paper.

Good news. Napkins are made out of paper.

I'm not proud of it, but thanks to our friends at McDonald's, Planet Sub, Chipotle, et al., my ass has remained successfully clean for many a day.

Now THAT'S a usefulness beyond compare. Ironically, it's much better than the toilet paper we have at work.

----------------------------------------------------------

Read. Rinse. Repeat.

***after I'm better, I ALWAYS pick a day and "detox" my dwelling so I can resume having people over. Today is that day. I know it reeks of gay, but I can't go a week without getting my clean on, even if it's just a little bit.

posted by PJ
11:58 AM
6 comments

New Look!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

So, I got bored with the usual templates, so I am using a new one. I'm still tweaking, so be patient.

Comments are very much welcome, though.

:)

posted by PJ
4:32 PM
8 comments

Walken in '08!!!

Oh, if only this were true:

http://www.walken2008.com

Unfortunately, it's a hoax.

A boy can dream.

posted by PJ
1:18 PM
0 comments

I think I'm permanently "it".

So, I've been officially tagged by Nameless. Here it goes:

List five songs that you are currently digging - it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions and the five songs (with artist) in your blog. Then tag five people to see what they're listening to.

1. Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
2. Frankie J - More Than Words (yes, it's a remake of the Extreme song. I normally hate re-makes, but this one's excellent.)
3. Crossfade - Cold (HK Remix)
4. Bow Wow feat. Ciara - Like You
5. Rihanna - Pon De Replay

I'm in Top 40 radio for a living, so most of my "songs I'm diggin'" list includes things we're playing right now. No surprise.

OK, so here's the irony. There are only, like, 6 people that spend any real time on here that actually have blogs. Most of my viewers aren't into it yet. Therefore, I have no one to link to that hasn't already been tagged. My friends that comment, as I've noticed, have all been tagged at one point or another.

Therefore, I'm permanently "it". There can be only one, I guess.

posted by PJ
10:05 AM
4 comments

Yes, I remember what I did last night. Stop asking.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Ever notice how, if you mention that you feel like shit this morning, or that you didn't sleep well, and you don't really know why, the first question out of everyone's mouth is:

"What time did you get to bed last night?"

Uh. Who cares? I could go to bed at the same time 7 nights in a row and wake up feeling 7 different ways on 7 different mornings.

Understandably, if I went to bed at 5am, and got up at 7:30am to go to work, I would be noticeably tired. Noteworthy is the fact that I would KNOW EXACTLY WHY I FELT LIKE SHIT if this were the case. It isn't, so my confusion as to why I feel suddenly ill is well placed.

After the "what time?" question, usually you get the "did you get hammered?" question. Yes. I went and got plowed last night and fucked 15-year-old Cambodian hookers. I still don't understand why I feel bad, though. Perhaps it's the jet lag.

Aren't we allowed to just feel like shit once in a while? No causes. No emotional distress. Just "ew."

Sheesh.

posted by PJ
10:00 AM
4 comments

Important, huh. Really?

Monday, August 15, 2005

Quick little minor rant today...

If you work in a form of Corporate America (or, more fittingly perhaps, "servitude" as Shanshu puts it), you no doubt are familiar with Outlook or something similar.

Ever notice the "exclamation point" and "down arrow" that accompany some e-mails? They're not used much. Fittingly, if they ARE, I pay close attention.

Here's a situation:

I see an e-mail come across my desk. It has the exclamation point. The subject: "Don't forget!!!!!"

Holy fuck, this must be important!

...aaaaaaand then you open it.

"Don't forget that I have a tanning bed for sale! Hurry, because I have to sell this fast!"

Are you fucking kidding me?

I must be missing the point part of the "exclamation point". To me, I would think that it would indicate that it's supposed to be important to ME. Not "hey, this isn't important to you, but it is to ME, so fuck you and read it anyway!"

With this in mind, I propose a new standard:

- Exclamation point: "This is important for YOU to read. I wouldn't be using this symbol unless the situation was in dire need of your immediate attention."
- Up Arrow: "This is a high priority for ME. I would love it if you would take time out of your busy day to oblige me and read and think about what I've sent. Perhaps it would even warrant a response. Thank you."
- Dual Sideways Arrow: "This could go either way. You may think this is important. You may not. I leave it up to you to decide. However, it's different than the standard e-mail I would send, so please make note of the difference and pay attention."
- Down Arrow: "I'm convinced that this won't be something you'll care about, at least not enough to stop what you're doing and read it right away."

Discuss amongst yourselves. Perhaps there is even a better standard to set forth. Until then, fuck the exclamation point and all that it never seems to stand for.

That is all.

posted by PJ
10:47 AM
4 comments

Save Toby!

Friday, August 12, 2005

With all the talk of bunnying on Shanshu's site, I couldn't help but find this just twisted enough to laugh:

From: Save Toby!

Welcome,

Toby is the cutest little bunny on the planet. Unfortunately, he will DIE on November 6th, 2006 if you don.t help. I rescued him several months ago. I found him under my porch, soaking wet, injured from what appeared to be an attack from an alley cat. I took him in, thinking he had no chance to live from his injuries, but miraculously, he recovered. I have since spent several months nursing him to health. Toby is a fighter, that.s for sure.

Unfortunately, on November 6th, 2006, Toby will die. I am going to eat him. I am going to take Toby to a butcher to have him slaughter this cute bunny. I will then prepare Toby for a midsummer feast. I have several recipes under consideration, which can be seen, with some pretty graphic images, under the recipe section.

I don’t want to eat Toby, he is my friend, and he has always been the most loving, adorable pet. However, God as my witness, I will devour this little guy unless I sell 100,000 copies of my book, Save Toby: Only you have the power to save toby. You can help this poor, helpless bunny’s cause by purchasing the book online at Amazon.com by clicking HERE, or by purchasing merchandise at the Savetoby.com online store.

That's some sick shit. But I can't help but laugh. Does that make me a bad person? If you think so, bunny off.

posted by PJ
12:24 PM
8 comments

More Bad Places to Fart

Since the Shower Fart post was met with such reverie, I'd be remiss if I didn't continue the subject at a later time.

Here are some more bad places to fart:

- "I'm alone in a big metal box. This will be hilarious!"

Ever been in an elevator by yourself, and let out a huge fart? It's pretty entertaining, until the doors open to someone about to get on the elevator. Whoops.

Bonus points if you're getting off on the floor they're entering from. Leave that stink to them.

Not to be confused with getting on the elevator after someone else has farted, and having to convince others that it wasn't you.

- "Great. This is my office. It's not like it was anyone else."

Similar to the Elevator Fart, the Office/Cubicle Fart is pretty embarassing. This is especially true if the stink rises in concurrance with someone walking into your area. I highly recommend keeping a little fan in your realm so as to disperse the offending fumes asap.

- "Why don't I just put my face directly IN my ass next time?"

I've touched on this before, but you should be very weary of the timing of your farts. Dropping ass immediately before you sit down on the toilet is ill advised.

Think about it. Look at where you ass is when you're standing in front of the toilet. Now look at where your FACE is, after you sit down on the toilet. See what I mean?

Read. Rinse. Repeat.

posted by PJ
11:47 AM
3 comments

Better Looking Buddy

There is proof that women are just as shallow as men.

Take the "Better Looking Buddy" scenario. I have a friend, whom we shall call Dave. Dave's a former college football player. He's very much in shape. Good lookin' dude.

Oh, and he's a HUGE dork. God bless him for it. He's into things like Star Wars, Superheros (you should see his collection of Superman shirts, etc.), uh, and boy bands. Yes, you read that right. He's into BOY BANDS. Imagine seeing a grown man get giddy when Justin Timberlake or the Backstreet Boys come on TV. Of course, he's only giddy long enough for him to stand up and do all their dance moves with them. It's all about being serious when the dance moves come out. Ya'll got served, bitches!

Now, put Dave into a nightclub. Say we run into a bunch of girls. Who's the one anyone gives a shit about? Yup. Dave.

Girl: So, like, uh, what are you into?
Dave: Oh, you know. Superman. Lightsabers. JC Chasez. Omletteville.
Girl (who's eyes have glazed over): Oh, really? That's interesting.

Holy shit, that was MY line! She can't be faux-interested just because she wants some ass! Women are supposed to be into us for our brains; our humor. Men have perfected "being interested" because you're hot. It's OUR eyes that are to glaze over.

Luckily for me, Dave's got a great, faithful relationship with his girlfriend of a zillion years, so sometimes I get to reap the benefits of hanging out with him, hammered, in a dark place. He reels them in, and it's only a matter of time before they figure out that the fat kid's pretty funny, too...uh, and a sure thing.

Damn you, Better Looking Buddy. You prove once and for all that women's taste in men is equally fallable.

Bring THAT on down to Omletteville.

posted by PJ
11:30 AM
3 comments

Back from the dead!!

Ugh. I followed up a busy first half of the week with illness in the second half. Cooties suck.

I'm going to reward those few who have been checking back with multiple posts today in time for the weekend. Ironically, because everything's upside down, you'll probably read this one last.

Have a great weekend!

posted by PJ
11:26 AM
0 comments

Boring post from me today...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I, like Shanshu, have little to say today. I'm swamped with work, so look for better things to come, perhaps even as early as tonight. In the meantime, this was stolen from Shan's site:

What famous leader are you? I'm the following:

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

posted by PJ
11:34 AM
5 comments

The Big Airplane to the Big Easy Pt. 2

Monday, August 08, 2005

Part 2: Confessions from a Hotel Bathroom

It's sad to say that I spent four days in New Orleans, and had little a debaucherous tale to tell. No strip clubs (this time), no jail time (this time), no post-op transvestites that are hopped up on whippits and ready to party (uh...no precedent for this one...just makin' it up). The closest I got to anything naughty was finding out that it only takes two Hand Grenades to make me forget who the fuck I am. That was at 10pm.

The good news about being mostly sober in N'awlins is that you start to notice things you wouldn't already notice if the trip were going better.

Much like the cupdent from the plane ride, I began to ponder things during my first hotel shower since arriving.

1) How are you supposed to put the screw-cap back on the little bottle of shampoo while it's in your hand? If I turn my right hand, the shampoo I've poured into my hand will spill into the tub. If I turn my left, the 'poo in the bottle will pour into the cap! Many of us take for granted the ingenious pop-top we have on our home-based shampoo's larger counterparts.

2) I've griped before about the disappearance of soap and it's replacement, the "body wash". I take all that back. Soap sucks. It's been so long since I've had to use bar soap, I don't really know what to do with it! It's just really uncomfortable to rub that thing all over yourself. Who'd have thought I'd crave a fuckin' loofa? Between that, and how dry it makes your skin afterwards, I officially think soap sucks. As gay as it sounds, I'll go for body wash anyday.

3) This was a nice hotel. Any chance I could get a showerhead that doesn't feel like I'm getting peed on by an old man with a prostate issue? Ever heard of water pressure? Anytime you have to cup your hands and collect water in them, because you get more velocity by THROWING water at your head, the water pressure is too light.

If you've never been to New Orleans and you DO go, remember this rule: If it takes you more than 45 seconds to get from the car/building you're in to the car/building you're going to, plan to shower soon after that. It's like a sauna with no off switch. I'm sure it didn't help that it was August.

I'm glad to be back, and glad to have returned to this. I missed the entertaining people that live here. :)

posted by PJ
4:51 PM
9 comments

The Big Airplane to the Big Easy Pt. 1

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Part 1: Airline Cupholders

A plane flight from Wichita to New Orleans and back is a relatively easy one. I connected through Dallas, and each leg was only a little over an hour a piece.

I fell asleep on the first leg, but the second leg gave me time to contemplate a few things. The biggest of which: The airline cupholder.

What an unbelievably fascinating object. To think, in our airline tray-tables, there exists what can only be described as a dent. A dent only a couple of millimeters deep. Yet what do we do? We put our drink in there.

To me, a cupholder would be something that protects our drink from falling, should there be some kind of unexpected bump or jolt. Maybe something that allows 50% or so of the beverage in question to rest comfortably in it. Am I to believe that, if we were to experience a large bit of turbulence, that this, uh, impression, is what's going to keep my drink from joining the front of my pants?!

Why has no one ever brought this up before? Shouldn't we demand better cupholders?

It's not like we really need all that tray space. I mean, c'mon! I could line every peanut end-to-end and not make it from one end of the tray to the other. Who needs that much space?

From now on, I dub thee "cupdent". You shall not achieve the rank of "cupholder" again until you prove you can accomplish such a task.

Be gone, Cupdent. I must get back to reading my SkyMall catalog.

Coming next... The Big Airplane to the Big Easy Pt. 2: Confessions from a Hotel Bathroom

posted by PJ
4:28 PM
7 comments

Wish you were here...

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Yo!

Just so everyone knows, I'm in New Orleans until Saturday. I won't be able to update this much in the meantime. However, to create an appetite of sorts, here are the future posts I've devised for when I return:

- Better Looking Buddy
- Other unfortunate places to fart
- Airline cupholders
- Confessions from a hotel bathroom

Have a great rest of the week! Don't forget to pop back over this way again on Monday!

:)

P

posted by PJ
6:52 PM
6 comments

It's like a "Blog Forward"

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I don't know...for some reason, I just feel the need to do this, also. Stolen from Shanshu, **~*E*~**, and Danikabur.

Things I have done in my lifetime, as of today:

(x) Smoked a joint
(0) Been in a wet t-shirt contest
(x) Crashed a car
(0) Stolen a car
(x) Been in love
(x) Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted
(0) Been fired
(0) Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of the house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(0) Been arrested
(x) Made out with a stranger
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
(x) Been to Europe
(x) Skipped school
(x) Seen someone die
(0) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Thrown up in a bar
(x) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone from the internet in person
(0) Been moshing at a concert
(0) Been in an abusive relationship
(x) Taken painkillers
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
(x) Lay and watch cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
(0) Had a tea party
(x) Flown a kite
(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Gone puddle jumping
(x) Played dress up
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school
(0) Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sunset
(0) Felt an earthquake
(x) Touched a snake
(x) Slept beneath the stars
(x) Been tickled
(0) Been robbed
(x) Been misunderstood
(x) Pet a reindeer/goat
(x) Won a contest
(x) Run a red light
(x) Been suspended from school
(x) Been in a car accident
(x) Had braces
(x) Felt like an outcast
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Had deja vu
(0) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Hated the way you look
(x) Witnessed a crime
(x) Pole danced
(0) Been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) Walked barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
(0) Been to the opposite side of the world
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) Sung karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced naked in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Had a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
(0) Gone rollerblading
(x) Had a wish come true
(0) Worn pearls
(0) Jumped off a bridge
(x) Screamed the word "penis" in public
(x) Ate dog/cat food
(0) Told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) Kissed a mirror
(x) Sang in the shower
(0) Owned a little black dress
(x) Had a dream that you married someone
(x) Glued your hand to something
(0) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
(0) Kissed a fish
(x) Worn the opposite sex's clothes
(x) Been a cheerleader
(x) Sat on a roof top
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) Done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) Stayed up all night
(x) Didn't take a shower for a week
(x) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) Climbed a tree
(x) Had a tree house
(x) Are NOT scared to watch scary movies
(x) Believe in ghosts
(0) Have more than 30 pairs of shoes
(0) Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(0) Gone streaking
(x) Played chicken
(x) Been skinny dipping
(x) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(0) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger
(0) Broken a bone
(x) Been easily amused
(x) Caught a fish then ate it
(x) Caught a butterfly
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Cried so hard you laughed
(x) Mooned/flashed someone
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
(x) Forgotten someone's name
(x) Slept naked
(x) French braided someone's hair
(x) Grown a beard

There. I feel better.

posted by PJ
11:18 AM
9 comments

Excerpts from a morning commute

- "Ugh. I woke up late."

- "Crap. I don't have time to shave."

- "Suh-weet! The cat pooped on the rug again. I think I may just put litter on it."

- "Oh God. Did I just fart RIGHT before I sat down on the toilet? Great. I just left a cloud directly at face-level now that I'm seated." (This concept will be reprised in a future post)

- "Hmmm...the homeless guy on the corner wasn't there today. I don't know why that bothers me. I mean, he's there EVERY day, but not today for some reason. I miss the stability."

- "The guy crossing the crosswalk in front of me is doing that unbelievably stupid half-run thing. You know, the thing that's supposed to make me believe he's hurrying up just for me, when in reality, he's really just walking in a bouncy sorta way. Asshole."

- "The traffic is unusually heavy today. Oh. There's a cop up ahead."

- "That Jamie Foxx is a talented mother-fucker. I saw him in Stealth last night, and then watched a comedy special of his from 1993 after the movie. My, he's come a long way."

- "What a surprise! No one will pass the cop."

- "Uh...did everyone decide to park via the Braille Method? You know. 'Park where you want, regardless of the lines, and stop when you've hit something'..."

- "Good thing I made a list of the things I have to do today. Now, as I type this, I know exactly what I'm not getting done yet."

posted by PJ
7:45 AM
5 comments

Raed Tihs

Monday, August 01, 2005

This has been passed around numerous times, but I just got it again today, and it's worth throwin' up here if you've never seen it:

"I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt."

As my inbox has filled with many a silly forward, every now and then, you receive a gem that's worth sharing.

Sorry I don't have much more to say today...I've been swamped with work. I'll try to think of something better tonight or tomorrow.

:)

posted by PJ
12:25 PM
4 comments

Ew. I just got some blog on me.