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Quotes from Halloweekend

Monday, October 31, 2005


Various quotes from various people over the weekend:

- "Dude. This is going to so-fucking rock."

- *muffled* "Guys? The first one's out and everything's OK."

- "I can't see anything to my left."

- "You...you...MELLON-EATER!"

- "Dude, I can't figure this corset out. I think it's tangled."

- "Woohoo! They're like drums! bubbada-bubbada"

- "Oh my God. I'm, like, the sluttiest pirate ever!"

- "Argh!"

- "Great, now I'm blind in my good eye."

- "I've been wanting to snap that eye-patch all night."

- "Go ahead."

- "There is no way I'm going to get sick tonight."

- "There are boobies EVERYWHERE."

- "Wench! Where did the rum go?!"

- "The Stewie pumpkin is the shit!"

- "What do you mean that we put the corset on her upside-down?!"

- "Are you OK? Nope."

- "I'm never drinking again. And this time, I mean it!" *wretch*

Also, in honor of Halloween, I trick-or-treated at Heather's blog, and found out what kind of candy I am:



Snickers

Nutty and gooey - you always satisfy.

posted by PJ
9:14 AM
3 comments

What your dog really thinks...

Thursday, October 27, 2005



Certain things shouldn't be done to pets.

You shouldn't hump them.

You shouldn't shave weird patterns into them.

You shouldn't dress them up in costume for Halloween.

Thanks to my unusual ability to channel the thoughts of your pets, I present you with, "What your dog really thinks when you dress them up in costume for Halloween."


"You see, my FUR keeps me warm. Your sweaters only serve to insult me."

---------

"When I say 'woof,' I mean 'I hate you.'"

----------

"If the choice is between prison and playing dress up with you, I choose prison."

-----------

"As if it wasn't hard enough being called an anorexic all the time; now you dress me up as an old drunken hooker. "

--------

"If you think I won't eat you when you die, you're dead wrong."

---------


"Though I have provided all the evidence in the world, perhaps I should take this time to state a certain fact explicitly: I am a dog. I am NOT a CHILD."

--------


"As you must be mentally off, I'll cut you some slack."

--------


"If you wanted a bunny, why didn't you just buy one?"

--------


"Please remind me why I'm supposed to love you."

--------


"I wish your husband took me with him when he left."

--------


"If I had hands I'd strangle you."

--------

"What is wrong with you? Seriously. Did you not get enough love as a child? Is your world so completely devoid of meaning that you think dressing me as a flower is a form of care taking? I hope the house gets burglarized tonight."

-------


"Remember this moment when I pee on your Persian rug tonight."

--------


"What am I wearing? Am I a picnic table? A waitress?"

-------


"I wonder how many of these I have to slip into her water to end the torment."

--------


"Could someone out there please have my owner put to sleep?"

---------


"Very funny. You come up with that yourself?"

--------


"Look, I'm barely a dog. I have enough identity issues without you dressing me up as a cheetah."

--------


"Dang it. How am I going to get a girl when I look like I'm being strangled by a cartoon cat?"

---------


"You are ruining what self-esteem I have left."

---------


"And I thought the bunny suit was bad... What am I now? A Dogglebee? Please stop. Please."

--------


"You're going to embalm me when I'm dead, aren't you?"

-------

posted by PJ
8:44 AM
6 comments

Student Drivers in 18-Wheelers

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


There may not be a scarier thing than watching a student driver navigate a normal street on a particularly normal day.

Of course, there are fewer things as funny as fucking with one of these poor souls. After all, they're only taking the course to make it easier to get a license, and in case the white knuckles weren't an indication, they typically scare easily. In fact, I think back to the idea of seeing a bug or animal and being told, "you know, they're more scared of you than you are of it."

Still, you can understand my fear when I almost got t-boned by an 18-wheeler trying to make a left turn with "STUDENT DRIVER" all OVER the sonofabitch.

They're driving in the middle of downtown, in the middle of the day.

Is it me? Or does an full semi-trailer seem like something that, if you screw up and mis-judge the angle, could end up doing a SHITLOAD of damage?

I'm all for people learing how to drive. In fact, I truly think that the standards by which we base our driver's license requirements are severely lacking. Particularly in the elderly. However, I don't think the regular public should be subjected to Billy Bob learning how to work a double-clutch for the first time.

Besides. Their seats are too high...they're too tough to fuck with. And, because they're inexperienced, you can't drive by them while getting bunnied by a member of the opposite sex, either. Without the experience, they're sure to crash. The veterans know how to watch the action and keep the truck straight.

Uh...The End.

posted by PJ
9:17 AM
6 comments

Your m3ds are here! V.iaggra!

Monday, October 24, 2005


So, as I sit here on my laptop at home, I ponder something. It's 1am...I'm done checking the usual stuff like e-mail before I go to...but wait...

Long ago, in a land far far...wait again...no, same place as now. Anyway...years ago, when I first moved in, I got the ole high-speed internet hooked up at the house. With said high-speed internet, you must sign up for an e-mail account in order to be able to login.

When I first moved here, I used this new e-mail address quite a bit. It was the primary form of e-mail communication for friends and family.

As I moved up the ranks of my current job, my work e-mail began to take precedent. I was at work a lot, so if you wanted to e-mail me and increase the liklihood of me seeing it and responding quicker, you sent it there. With the liberal job in which I partake, you could even send the stuff usually unsuitable for work, so no matter what you sent, I was pretty likely to get it in a timely fashion.

Eventually, the old home e-mail address, much like the home landline and corresponding telephone, became a thing of the past. Sort of.

You see...the e-mail address never really went away. It can't. It has to remain for as long as I have the account active. I forgot about that.

That led to my curiousity tonight. I don't even remember the last time I checked it. Turns out it was May 20th, 2004. Wanna know how I know? Because I've been getting e-mails ever since.

Not just "hey, what's up?" e-mails from friends. No one even has that address anymore for that kind of e-mail. You get a cookie if you guessed spam.

Spam. A...LOT...of...spam.

Nine thousand, nine hundred, and sixteen e-mails, to be exact. Even in digits it looks like a lot: 9,916.

Pretty much any type of spam you could think of. Porn. Meds. Penis Enlargement. Pregnant housewives getting railed while their husbands are at work. Big Naturals you have to see to believe...or so I'm told. Nearly 10,000 e-mails. Ten-freakin'-thousand.

I can't say I'm surprised. You leave an e-mail address idle for long, and you're bound to get blasted by the spammers of the internet underbelly.

At first, I thought it would be entertaining to go through them all eventually. I got about 250 in before I realized I should be institutionalized. So, I deleted them all. It took my browser nearly 8 minutes to compute that. I was curious so I counted. That's a long page-load-time. I'm just happy it didn't crash.

Here's hopin' that someone, somewhere, didn't only have that e-mail address for me, was reaching out after years of no contact, and hence caused me to miss the opportunity to get caught up with some long-lost love or friend. If you were buried under the spam, you were deleted. And for that, I'm sorry.

As to you, the rest of the e-mails in that inbox...

I $ay f.uc.k offf! @nd, save t.housands on ur m0rtg@ge!

posted by PJ
11:00 PM
2 comments

Poop and the Morning Routine

I definitely wouldn't say that I LOVE to poop, but there's something about a good poop that will make anyone feel better. Anyone disagree? I doubt it.

Ladies, no comments about how girls don't poop. You do. And the difference between dudes and chicks is that women will go out of their way to cover it up, and guys are just hoping that someone walks into that room after they're done. Even those with whom God is not a large part of their life will be praying that someone walks in and doesn't inhale untill they're fully immersed in the room and it's too late.

Because of men's affection for poop, sometimes it's tough to prioritize life events when one is starting to rear it's ugly head. Pun intended.

Oh, and by life events, I don't mean your child's first birthday or something...

"Honey, I've got a big one brewin' here...better get me the Bible to read. And don't even bother to check on me until after the Creation. See if our child can wait until she's two to open presents."

I'm one of those people who has exactly enough time to wake, get ready, and be at work on time. If any one thing goes differently, my schedule is pretty much screwed.

Usually, I like to wait until I get to work to poop. For those in corporate servitude, isn't it better to waste (<---ha!) a good chunk of minutes in the bathroom than spend more time in your oddly-similar cubicle? Now, my job isn't THAT bad at all, but you get my point.

My digestive system doesn't exactly set my alarm for an earlier time if a turtle-head is comin' on. That sonofabitch. It knows. And it won't do anything about it.

So the debate rages on...be late to work? or drive to work standing up...

Today, I was late.

posted by PJ
9:10 AM
7 comments

A couple of quizzes...

Friday, October 21, 2005


Another "Non-inspired Friday"...

Stolen from Nameless:


I'm:

Part Passionate Kisser


For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Part Expert Kisser


You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable







Also, I'm:






Your Passion is Orange







Your sex life is driven by your wild fantasies.
For you, sex is a dramatic performance where you are the star.
And you love putting on a wild act for your lover, trying to top last night's show.
Whether you enjoy the actual sex is irrelevant... it's all about putting on a good act!




posted by PJ
1:19 PM
6 comments

Advice from a picky eater

Thursday, October 20, 2005


I'm a picky eater.

My friends know this. Family and past girlfriends became experts at the art of "Acceptible Pizzle Cuisine".

Granted, I've gotten MUCH better over the years. There are really only a few things now that don't jive with me. That said, I have some advice for those who might ever serve me food.

1. Please take into consideration that if I ordered the food in a certain way, chances are, I really wanted it like that.

2. If I'm in a sub shop and order my sandwich plain, don't look at me like your shit don't stink. Don't ask me if I'm serious. Yes, fuck-stain. I want this particular sandwich plain. I just made less work for you. Don't try to make me feel guilty for prefering something different than your own particular tastes.

3. If you cut said sandwich with a knife that has a bunch of shit like mayo and mustard on it, you might as well put that shit on my sandwich. If you don't wipe off the knife, it gets on the sandwich when you cut it. Basic physics, folks.

4. If you put mayo on my sandwich bread, you can't just scrape it off when you realize I didn't want it. It requires new bread. I didn't want mayo because I don't like the taste of mayo. Guess what. Unless you're removing bread with the scraping ,there's still some on there. It's like trying to baptize a cat. No matter how drunk you are, or how hard you try, it can't be done.

Forgive the rant today. The above is not really THAT big of a deal to me, to the point where I won't eat something or send it back and be a dick, or whatever. I just have this silly theory that, unless a menu says "no exceptions", you should be able to get food that you order, the way you order it.

Really, it's just a sub-plot to my overwhelming problem with stupid people. I'm realizing now that most don't know about my utter dislike of stupid people. I'll be sure and expand on that at a future time.

posted by PJ
10:22 AM
9 comments

Wine is Heaven and Hell all wrapped up into one bottle.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Was at a convention for the last two days, so sorry that my first post is on Wednesday this week...

My weekend at a glance...

I'm not nearly as good at lists as Shanshu. However, as random as much of that night was, a random list seems the only appropriate way to recap it.

  • Wine. Yummy.
  • There's nothing better than a wine drunk.
  • There's nothing worse than a wine hangover.
  • Not being told that your ex-girlfriend and her new husband are going to be at the party is, uh, awkward.
  • The above is more awkward when you're wasted.
  • 99% sure that ex-girlfriend's new husband was NOT a big fan of meeting me, irregardless of the fact that it's been YEARS since I've even talked to her. No need to be worried, dawg.
  • Did I mention that I was hammered that night? I could have made the above up in my head.
  • Shanshu and I tested a theory posed to us about groups of 5 at a party. We've found evidence to suggest the theory is accurate.
  • That potted plant was hot. I don't care what anyone says.
  • When leaving your dad's house, getting a designated driver if you're drunk is a great idea.
  • When moving your car so your sister can get out, and the above is true, be weary of where you put it.
  • Apparently, grass and asphalt look strikingly similar in the dark. On wine.
  • Your father's neighbors tend to be less than thrilled when you thought their yard was a place on the street to park.
  • No, I'm not kidding.
  • Friends that don't want food, but will take your drunk-ass to the grocery store anyway, fuckin' rock.
  • Trying to be funny in the checkout line at the grocery store probably comes across as more sad than anything.
  • Totino's Pizza Rolls are some of the best drunk-food ever. Fuck my diet.
  • You know you and your friends got really drunk when you wait until 3pm to even determine if all your plans you made for that day are even worth considering.
  • That funny thing that Shanshu mentioned is still really fuckin' funny. And will be for a looooong time.

Add all that to Shanshu's list, and you get a good idea of how the weekend went.

posted by PJ
9:29 AM
5 comments

Today's a little random

Thursday, October 13, 2005


So, I have a couple of things on my mind that are worth bringing up, but none of them really warrent their own post. Just not enough content to sustain an entire blog. So, here they are in no particular order...

- I really thought that all the guys who thought it was cool to wear shirts with flames on them had died or something. I'll admit, obnoxious, shiny, glittery, flourescent shirts were all the rage at one time, and not even that long ago. However, those days long went away with the days of consistant raving and X-pills. Even if you went clubbing currently, things are considerably more basic and styles have changed. Lose the flame-shirt, dude. Unless you're a beatnik, own a tattoo shop, or drive a very large, loud motorcycle, you can't get away with it. Still wonder why you live in mom's basement and the only woman you "touch" is Virtual Vicki?

- If you're broke and can't afford rims for your car, for the sake of all things Holy, don't put chrome wheel covers on your busted-ass wheels. For fuck's sake. They even make spinning wheel covers. Gimme a break. Save up, like every other person who's priorities are fucked up, and buy real rims for your '84 Buick Skylark. If you're gonna do it, do it right.

- I have kind of an oral fixation. (Hahahaha funny face. Make the jokes. You done?) Yes, I kind of mean that in a dirty way, but I also like to chew things. Mostly pens and keys. However, I fucking HATE it when I drop an open pen out of my mouth, while I'm typing, and it marks my shirt. I just did that. FUUUUUUUUCK.

- Does anyone else feel like, after they've gotten their haircut by someone new, that they've just cheated on someone? I had a haircut/color last night, and my usual girl was sick with the flu, so they had some other girl do it. She did a great job, but the whole time, all I could think about was getting caught or something. Nevermind the fact that getting your hair washed in that sink is moderately erotic (I forgot how hot it is when you wash someone else's hair...ladies? Sound off. Made me long for the days of trading hair-washing with the girlfriend in the tub...).

Anyway...I truly felt dirty when I left last night. It was even kinda awkward.

"Well...I guess I'll see ya later."

"Uh...yeah...nice to, uh, meet you."

"OK...I'm gonna leave now."

"Cool...uh...drive safe."

Haircuts and extra-marital affiars...one in the same? Hmmmm...

Now I have a few weeks before I have to confront the "significut (<---HA! You like that?) other". Maybe the guilt will have subsided by then...

posted by PJ
12:07 PM
4 comments

Pizzle Images

Wednesday, October 12, 2005






Well...since the "Google Needs" post was such a hit, let's try this one...

Directions: Go to Google and click on the images link.

Type in the following and post the first (or your favorite) picture the search engine finds.

- The name of the town where you were born or grew up
- The name of the town where you live now
- Your name
- Your Grandmother’s name (pick one)
- Your favorite food
- Your favorite drink
- Your favorite song
- Your favorite smell

Town where I spent most of my little-life: Midland, TX (Yee-haw)

Town in which I reside currently: Wichita, KS (apparently, we only have two buildings)

My name: Pizzle (I don't even know what this is from, but it sure is funny...no that's not me)

Grandmother's name: Marianna (Yikes.)

Food: Sushi (yummy!)

Song: "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire


Smell: Women

posted by PJ
8:58 AM
6 comments

Pizzle needs

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


OK...so this is one of the more interesting things I've ever done.

Stole this from Lulu:

Ok, go to Google.

Type in "(your name) needs". Remember to use the quotes.

Look at the websites that say you need something. (Use different websites)

What are the things you need?

Here's mine:

"Pizzle needs to go here"

Uh...where? It's just like you to be vague. Men are clueless. We need more specifics than that.

"Pizzle needs help. Show him like you showed me."

Yes. Please do. I consider myself pretty well-aquainted with women's needs, but each woman is somewhat different, and there's nothing sexier than a woman who tells you what she likes. MAJOR bonus points if she SHOWS you. I'm sorry...did it just get warmer in here?

"Pizzle needs to PM me for pics of my balls."

Uh...no thank you. I don't even have many pics of MY balls. Not many, anyway.

"Pizzle needs to have green on to be accepted into our cult."

Despite my affiliation with what seems to be the entire country of Ireland (I lose count of how many hundreds of Irish friends I have), I will not join you! I will celebrate your yearly holiday every March, and drink like the rest of you, but that's as close as I get.

What do YOU need?

posted by PJ
8:15 AM
2 comments

Blast! "It" again.

Monday, October 10, 2005


I was tagged by BabyJewels.

Rit said: I made up some questions, so answer bitches!

So here goes:

1. How old were you when you found out Santa was not a jolly man, but your Mom and Dad? I don't remember how young I was, but I was pretty young. I remember asking my mom if Santa was real, and she said, "Do you really want to know?" I said, "Yes." And the rest is history. Didn't really bother me. Santa had good taste in presents either way. :)

2. Who was the first celebrity's poster you had hanging on your wall? Dallas Cowboy players Danny White (QB) and Hershel Walker (RB).

3. How many times have you heard the phrase, "Please step out of the car Ma'am/Sir."?
None. Not to say I haven't been in kinda-trouble ("Hi Mrs. Seacrest"), but thankfully it wasn't felonious law-breaking.

4. What is the lamest reason for breaking up with someone you have ever gave or received? I once told a girl that I couldn't date her (after hooking up the previous weekend) because my job caused me to potentially move a lot, and I just couldn't get involved only to leave someone. Yes. I didn't date a girl because there might be a possible chance in the near future that maybe I could possibly move.

5. What is the dumbest lie you ever told your parents to get out of something? That it wasn't my baby. Ha! Kidding. I don't really have a good one for this. Most of my lies aren't dumb. ;)

6. Paper or Plastic? Plastic. They're easier to carry and are re-usable. Plus, when they rip or break, they do it in a much cooler way.

7. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were little (under 10)? An astronaut. Then, on my 8th birthday (1/28/86), I stayed home from school and watched the Challenger blow up. I decided Earth had better jobs.

8. What do you want to be when you grow up now? I just want to keep having as good of a time as I have been. A little responsibility is welcome and hasn't hurt, either. If that means I stay in radio, cool. If not, people are much more important to me than what's on my business cards.

9. What kind and color of underwear do you have on right now? Burgundy Boxer Briefs.

10. What CD are you ashamed to admit you own and listen to? If you're not into Top 40 radio, you wouldn't like MOST of the CDs I own.

11. Who would you sleep with if you had the opportunity to? Jennifer Love Hewitt. Actually, I wouldn't just want to sleep with her. In my personal experiences with her, I've found her to be one of the most genuine and special people I've met. She's probably the only famous person that I'd want to try dating, too. But back to the question at hand...yes, I'd eat her ass through a park bench if given the opportunity.

12. Finish this sentence and say what movie this is from. The FBI is going to pay me to ______? (I know you will read this first, but if you didn't know don't lie.) No clue.

13. Are you a lame asshole who lied on the above question? No.

14. Why did you come to the blog that tagged you? Cuz she's one of my bloggin' buds.

15. What is your biggest fear? Spiders. I have a crippling, sweaty, 12-year-old-girl-at-an-*NSync-Concert fear of Spiders.

16. Do you watch reality television and why/why not? I do watch some. I don't prefer it over scripted television, but there are some shows that I get wrapped up in. I think it must be my fascination with other people's shitty lives. It's like watching Jerry Springer...five minutes alone with that show and you already begin to feel better about yourself.

17. Have you ever slept with someone and wondered why the hell you did that? Yes. Usually makes sense at the time.

18. What is your biggest regret? I try not to regret anything. I figure you can gain knowledge from every experience; learn from every mistake. If I had to regret anything, it would be that sometimes I spend too much time as a character, and not enough time as a person. You kinda have to know me to really know what that means.

19. How old where you and what happened the first time you got drunk? I can thank Shan for getting me hammered on my 21st B-day (correct. I didn't drink before I was 21). My first shot of anything ever was of tequila. That should give you an idea of how THAT night ended.

20. Which would you rather be, the hammer or the nail? Depends. Is she hot?

21. What is your favorite curse word? I'm a big fan of the word "fuck". I also enjoy words not used often as slang. For example, I'd much rather say "shave my coinpurse" than say "shave my balls". It's more descriptive, I think. Also, I like using clinical words because no one does anymore. My favorite is "vagina". Technically, it's not a curse word, but I don't really ever use it in appropriate context.

22. If there was one thing you could ask your parents, but never had the guts, what would that be? Probably what the drugs were like when they were younger. ;)

23. What are 3 things that make you go Hummm?
  • Women who put makeup on when they drive.
  • Every person who thinks they're smarter than Judge Judy.
  • The way my cat can play fetch.
24. Real or fake boobies? Much prefer real, but if they're well done, I ain't likely to kick a girl outta bed...

25. Do you like being tagged by people? Only if they're gentle.

I tag:

Shanshu
Musie
Jen

posted by PJ
12:35 PM
5 comments

How much are you worth?

Friday, October 07, 2005


It's Friday, and I'm not feeling very inspired today...so here's a stolen link...

Stole this from Anamika:

Apparently, I am worth $2,033,444 on HumanForSale.com

How much are YOU worth?


posted by PJ
12:13 PM
5 comments

The shower curtain equivalent to a hand-towel.

Thursday, October 06, 2005


Ever tried to dry yourself off with a hand-towel?

No, ladies. Cleaning him or you off after you decide not to swallow doesn't count.

I'm talking about after you get out of the shower, and have only a clean hand-towel in order to become dry.

I work out at the local YMCA here, usually over lunch a couple of times a week. Because I must go back to work, I shower there after the workout.

Before you comment with "Ew! You shower at a public gym?!" let me stave off your disgust.

The way I see it, if you've been through either Vietnam or college, you're pretty much prepared for anything that can be thrown your way. I didn't go through Vietnam as I'm much too young. However, I had plenty of years in college, and the way I see it, there's probably not going to be anything more disgusting in this particular public shower than witnessed or stepped in while being in my early 20's, having male roommates or being at frat parties.

Anyway, at the Y, there are individual stalls with their own individual shower curtains.

But, here's the kicker: The curtain on the stall is about 6-8 inches THINNER than the stall opening.

Uh.........

To me, the idea of even having the curtain is so that you can enjoy a modicum of privacy. Having a Curtainkindof, as I like to call it, is really kind of pointless to me. If you put it in the middle, you have a solid 3-4 inches of open space on either side. Why not just have a free standing, open shower space? I might as well just scrub my balls with a toothbrush while sitting on one of those 50 cent towels, on a bench in the locker room.

It really hurts my head to think about what the purpose for this was. Do you really save all that much money by making them smaller? Is there some plastic shortage?

I equate this to the concept of "number of hot dog buns in a package versus number of hot dogs in a package", as well as the concept of "why bread is square and bologna is round". Granted it's not food, but it's equally stupid.

I think the next time I work out, I'll spend the shower-time with the curtain open. Strippers would. And if I thought someone would actually pay me to get/be naked, I'd definitely be a stripper right now.

posted by PJ
8:24 AM
6 comments

I'm "it".

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Been tagged by Shanshu.

Here ya go:

10 Things I'd like to see come back:

1. Thundercats
2. Big Wheels -- Yeah, I know, they still exist, but not for big kids like us.
3. The Delorean -- Back to the Future. Need I say more?
4. My sex life.
5. "Pizzerias" Pizza-flavored chips
6. Smoking in bars in cities in which it is banned.
7. Women that think it's OK to actually be a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for equal rights and independent women. In fact, I'm usually drawn to those types of women. But, at least let us believe from time to time that you want or need us in your lives, even if you don't feel like it all the time. We have fragile egos. We've been raised to hunt and kill and be the man and have a big penis and blah blah blah, and no reassurance to that end can be a negative. We don't always WANT to go shopping with you or buy you flowers, but the smart ones do anyway.
8. My goldfish that, uh, "ran away" when I was young.
9. Jelly Shoes
10. Swatch Watches with the bands you could change yourself and the rubber "face guards" n stuff.

I tag the following:

- Anamika
- Baby Jewels
- Brooklyn Babe
- Rich
- Nameless

posted by PJ
9:16 AM
4 comments

Pizzle and the Brainfart Monster

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, Pizzle arrived home from work. He opened his door, and noticed a drastic change in the temperature than when he left.

"Did I turn down the A/C?" he pondered.

He made his way to the light switch, and gave it a good click.

Nothing.

"Wha?"

Then he noticed a sheet of paper someone had slid under his door.

From: Westar Energy
Re: Your electric bill

Once upon another time, Pizzle forgot to pay his electric bill. He's not sure why. It's usually on his monthly list of things to do. Yet, for some reason, one costly brainfart segued into the Hell that is No Electricity.

Enough of that, class. Now let's go over the list of 10 things that NOT having power makes VERY inconvenient.

1) There's no A/C. When you have central air, and no electricity, you're doomed to the weather at hand. It was 82 degrees when I woke up this morning.

2) You can't see ANYTHING. Just when you think that you know where everything is in your house, believe me, you don't. My shins really fucking hurt.

3) You can't DO anything. I'm convinced that centuries ago, people either didn't read, or had amazing eyesight. Reading by candlelight is dumb, frustrating, and very difficult. It's also the only activity other than sleeping or playing with myself that I had to do in my house...that didn't require electricity.

4) You can pretty much assume that everything in your refrigerator and freezer is fucked.

5) You have to HOPE you wake up on time. No electricity. No alarm clock.

6) Showering by candlelight is not nearly as romantic when you're by yourself. And for the record, your hot water heater is operated by electricity. I didn't know that until this morning when I had no hot water. Awesome.

7) Trying to dry off after the shower while not catching your towel on fire is very annoying.

8) Finding clothes that match in the dark is much harder than it seems.

9) Trying to aim your deodorant, hairspray, et al in the dark, without tagging your eyes, is quite the daunting task.

And finally...

10) Spending the whole day hoping that your power is back on by the time you get home is exhausting and something normal people shouldn't have to go through.

So there you have it, boys and girls. Needless to say, Pizzle has learned his lesson. At the top of the priority heap each month is now the electric bill.

Read. Rinse. Repeat.

posted by PJ
7:57 AM
10 comments

Suspending your expensive shit from a crane. Part 2.

Sunday, October 02, 2005


Nothing. The answer is nothing.

As Dane Cook puts it, there are only two things men want more than sex. To own a monkey as a pet, and to be involved in a heist. Incidentally, I have no idea how this applies to the women that read my blog, but you're just as curious and sneaky as the dudes. I know you're up to something...

I could feel your curiousity seething through the screen. "What's he gonna put up there?!" You just wanted to know so you could determine if it was worth stealing or not.

But now you've been found out. Silly blogger. Now I know, and while you're busy trying to scale my crane or get your plan and buddies together (including the one that you've never met before the heist, but who someone in your crew can totally vouch for. "No, dude...he's totally cool." But he's not cool, is he...).

While you're busy, I'll be with the monkey, in the van, getting away with my valuable shit. I'll be halfway to Canada before you figure it out. Don't bother trying to close the border. We've ditched the van and are now in a helicopter.

Actually, it's Airwolf.

Enter, the Airwolf theme.

posted by PJ
11:23 PM
4 comments