OSW
Wow. Screwy last couple of days. Sorry this is going to be such a short post. However, I hope to make up for it with my Office Supply Wednesday shot for today.Today, I present Action Figure Jesus humping my stapler. Happy OSW.
posted by PJ
12:33 PM
Thankful for the Daily Grind?
Well...another Thanksgiving down.While I can't speak for others, mine was exactly as intended. Not filled with a meaningless smattering of well-wishes to relatives I don't ever see. Not filled with shopping-till-I'm-dropping. Not filled with "Ooh, great...now that THAT'S over, let's start singing Christmas Carols!" Rather, a small gathering of friends, family, and soon-to-be-family, with good food, a little bit of TV, and little else. In fact, it was one of those good, relaxing times, in which you spend so many days doing nothing, that you actually forget what day it really is. Now THAT'S relaxation.However, it wouldn't be a truely long weekend unless a few funny observations were had.Case in point...The Tryptophan phenomenon is astounding to me. Regardless of height, weight, or amount you eat, you are GOING to fall asleep on the couch. You can't fight it. Don't even try.I shit you not...at one point, all eight people (and three dogs) that were at my dad's house, were asleep in the family room for at least an hour. I only know this because I was one of the last to fall asleep, and woke up only long enough to see everyone else passed out, let out a slight giggle, and re-slip into my coma. A phenomenon indeed.A really cool outcome from this past weekend...ran into a buddy from high school that I hadn't seen in years. He's married and has dogs. And is EXACTLY how I remember him. He lives in Denver, though I was convinced he was in Boston. Now
I can visit him and not have to clip coupons.Really cool outcome number two...one of the Best Friends Five proposed to his girlfriend this weekend. At the Miami/Virginia football game. On TV. In front of 100,000-plus people.Pays to be well-connected, huh.
I knew it was coming, and it was still really fuckin' cool. Needless to say, she was an emotional wreck, and he pretty much maxed out his pimp points for the next few years. Oh, the bachelor party's in Vegas. Looks like she's not the only one who won with that proposal. 
Also entertaining this weekend? Well...there are the ever-popular people-that-get-too-drunk-and-wish-they-didn't-look-so-stupid. I found a couple of those on Friday night while doing sound for a friend's band. One was the guy who felt like he knew every word to the songs. And sang them. Horribly. You just can't help but smile when they mouth the words, are about a beat behind, and can't seem to get anything right. It's just so cute. Oh, that, and he felt like, "mbhbmbhb...PRETTY FUCKIN' HOT" was a compliment to the girls on stage. Perhaps if it was in a complete sentence...Second was the girl who tried to dry-hump every dude (and a few girls) in the bar. I mean, really. She was ducking under tables and stuff trying to get at dudes. When the bouncers have to come into a small-town bar and remove you from the crotch of other people, you know you're too drunk. The only thing missing was the tattoo on the back of her head that said:Let go of my ears...I know what I'm doing.
It gives me a new-found respect for the fact that you ladies really don't appreciate it when dudes come up to you while dancing in a club and knock their cock against you for a couple of hours. Unless he's hot, right?Finally, all of the shitty eating for the last few days has only yielded a gain of two pounds for Your's Truly. Fuck yeah.So, it's back to the Daily Grind. For many, it means back to the j-o-b come Monday. Let the countdown to the next holiday begin.
posted by PJ
11:11 PM
Harvesting Tryptophan
Ahhh, Thanksgiving.When asked what my favorite holiday is, I'm not sure that this is it. But, it's definitely a good one. It always means a four day weekend. Except for some. It always means good food. As much of it as I can stuff into my bloated face before the Tryptophan kicks in and I pass out.It always means football.It always means family and friends. I'm lucky, because mine don't suck.Because it's almost T-day, I'll use this as an excuse to blog what I'm thankful for. Shan's the expert at lists, but it feels only appropriate for today...I'M THANKFUL FOR:- G.I.Joe and Star Wars toys. My entire adolescense would not have been the same without them.- Being disease free.- Crushed Ice. It's very overlooked.- My family and friends. It's a close knit group, but they're fucking awesome.- Vacation spots. Without them, how would we ever appreciate home and wish we didn't have to go back to it at the same time?- That girl who did that one thing with her tongue. You'll always hold a special place in my heart. And loins.- My cat. For a cat, she's badass. She's not a bitch like most cats. And she's GREAT with girls.- Stripper poles.- Intimate moments. Whether between friends, previous lovers, or people you've just met, it's the connections and vibes that count, even if other things surrounding them are drama and bullshit. Also, see "Stripper Poles".- The loss of my mom. Many would think this is silly to be thankful for, but it's through adversity that a person's true colors shine through. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for her and that situation.- My sense of humor. Without it, I don't know how I'd function.- The SUperFInger....and finally...- Blogging. It's a VERY fun way to express myself, and the people I've met on it are great. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday (or to our Canadian friends: Thursday), and that we all come back 10 pounds heavier.Happy Thanksgiving!
posted by PJ
8:20 AM
I'm Old
25 WAYS TO PROVE I HAVE FINALLY GROWN UP 1. My houseplants are alive, and I can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. I keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when I get up, not when I go to bed. 5. Sometimes I hear my favorite song in an elevator. 6. I watch the Weather Channel. 7. My friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up". 8. I went from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. I'm the one calling the police because those fucking kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around me. 12. I don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. My car insurance goes down and my car payments go up. 14. I feed my cat Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes my back hurt. 16. I sometimes take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie can be the whole date instead of just the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, my stomach. 19. Girls go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. I actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to..." replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time I spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. When I find out my friend is pregnant I congratulate her instead of saying, "Oh Shit! What Happened!?!?!?!" 25. I color my hair to cover the grey. Not to look cool.
posted by PJ
1:20 PM
My accessories are FABULOUS
Blah. Another un-inspired Friday.
| Your Superhero Profile |
Your Superhero Name is The Blind Goliath
Your Superpower is Accessorizing
Your Weakness is French People
Your Weapon is Your Venomous Analyzer
Your Mode of Transportation is Stilts |
I can't believe that my superpower is accessorizing. Ugh.
posted by PJ
9:04 AM
How you found me...
I have a Stat Counter for the ole blog. It's pretty entertaining to really get into it and check the info they have on there. One of the more fascinating attributes is the "Came From" link. Here, they have the sites that contained a link to my blog that were clicked on.Many I recognize. Most are off my profile, and many are from the people you see linked to the right.Every now and then, though, there are "came froms" that are REALLY funny to me. Most derive from Google searches and the link. Some of the more recent searches that got a hit on my blog, and that I found really funny are:- Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can
- Thank you for your concern.
- Snooze Game- "lady in the street but a freak in the bed" - "more than sex" heist pet monkeyand my personal favorite...- how to make your boobs grow faster Yeah...not sure what that's about.Anyway, if you have a counter and haven't explored these things...I HIGHLY recommend it.Happy "Day-Before-The-Weekend".
posted by PJ
9:12 AM
Shopping Cure-All
Ladies...this one is for you, and one I would hope you can chime in on.This whole post is going to reek of gay, so buyer beware. In fact, the only thing that would make this more of an episode of trading spaces is if I could work in the word "fabulous". I'll try my hardest not to.Shopping. Not something I get to do often, and VERY much a cure-all for whatever ails you. Yeah, I know...that's mostly a girlie thing to say. But perhaps, in my years of trying to understand women, maybe there are some things that have carried over and I can now appreciate.Don't get too excited ladies. It's like saying that women are smarter than men. While I definitely would concede such, it isn't really saying much. That's saying you're smarter than a creature that when he takes off his underwear, he picks it up with his toes, flips it in the air, and catches it with his hands. You're smarter than that.It is pretty cool when you catch 'em on the first try, though.But I digress...I wouldn't say that I've had a bad week. Hell, it's barely Wednesday. I definitely feel like the rest of the week will surely be better than the beginning, but I have little remorse or spite for the first two days.Maybe it's having been sick, and having a shitty week LAST week, that told me the only way to fix my problems was to spend money on myself.Well, it worked.It's not like I threw down NBA-player style. A couple of t-shirts, a pair of jeans, a dope-ass pair of new shoes (I'm a total shoe whore, btw), accessories including new jewelry for the ears (I have my ears gauge-pierced, and they've been in for over half a decade...it was time for something new), and finally, TWO leather jackets that were on sale for $50 a piece. Fuckin' legit.Anyway, after the initial sticker shock and typical buyer's remorse, I'm over it, and feel great about it. I hadn't been shopping in months. Sure, I've BOUGHT things, but that's not the same...right, ladies? Yesterday I shopped with no plans. I didn't know what I was going to buy, and wasn't looking for anything in particular (though I KNEW I was going to end up with new shoes...I'm so dirty).Last night was just like the first day of school...I laid out my outfit for the next day, and couldn't wait to rush to sleep so that I could soon wake up and put on my new threads. Sure, no one will likely notice today. But I'LL know. And I'M the only one that has to feel good about it.Such is the end to my tale of problem-solving by way of substitution. I feel much better about the crap at the job, and the current lackluster personal life. Oh, that, and I have a friend coming into town tonight that's taking me out to a nice dinner...their treat. Oh, and girls invited me to a strip club on Thursday. That will help me not think about normal bullshit, too.
Happy Office Supply Wednesday.
posted by PJ
10:03 PM
Things that have annoyed the shit out of me in the last 24 hours
- The guy on the highway that has had his turn signal on since 1955. I GET IT. YOU'RE TURNING LEFT. EVENTUALLY.- An aluminum can of drink that actually listed it's "servings per container" as "about 2". What am I supposed to do? Put the rest in a ziplock bag when I'm done with the first serving? YOU LEAVE ME NO WAY TO SEAL IT.- The movie "Shopgirl". Never heard of it? I hadn't either. A friend called and suggested it. I took her up on the invitation. To her own admission, she's now fired from movie-picking. Ugh. It was terrible. You'd think, with Steve Martin at the helm, it would reek of hilarity. QUITE THE OPPOSITE. I needed booze to numb the pain. There wasn't even a bare boob in this flick to save the day.- This zit on my head. It's just one of those that, even after it's popped, just stays red and very visible. I hate those. YOU STICK OUT LIKE A SORE...UH...ZIT!- Wind. I'm not sure what it is about it, but wind is just annoying. It's just so...so...disruptive. Don't confuse this with a nice gentle breeze. Stale air is just as frustrating as excessive wind. A gentle breeze is good. ENOUGH WIND TO MAKE ME NERVOUS ABOUT MY CURRENT STATE OF "CLOTHED" IS UNNECESSARY.Happy Tuesday.
posted by PJ
8:12 AM
He's baaaaaaaack...
After the hellish beginning to the work week, I managed to get sick at the end of the week. Really sick. So, this post is dedicated to the reasons why it can be proven that I was REALLY sick.Reason 1 - "Uh...hi. I know you hate me, but will you help me?"Picture this...your vomiting is so bad that you run down a list of people you can call for help, and you actually give consideration to calling an ex-girlfriend to take you to the hospital."Wait, I could call him...nope...he's in Houston.""Oooh! I could call...nope...he has twins now.""Wow...uh...haven't talked to HER in a long time...I wonder if her number's changed...you know what? I'm just going to lay here and tough it out..."Reason 2 - "Why did you just say that?"Any time you're at the doctor, and they utter the word, "whoa," whilst in the middle of the checkup...look forward to new, experimental medicines and "alternative" treatments.Reason 3 - "Oh God! My eyes!"Any time you can make vomit come OUT OF YOUR EYES, consider yourself REALLY sick. Now I can't really prove it, but I had my glasses on, and it ended up on the inside. The INSIDE. Ew.Reason 4 - "Who am I?"Sometimes, you get sick enough that you just stop caring about personal appearance. By the end of the week, I had a full beard. I hadn't worn pants in three days. I lived in my sickly filth. I'm pretty sure I only showered to wash the vomit from my eyes.Reason 5 - "pizzle963 dot something or other dot what the fuck"You stop blogging. You KNOW you have to be pretty sick to be at home, and not even have the interest or energy to sit in front of your laptop and blog up a storm. I mean, shit. It's not like I was doing much else...----------------------------------------------------------As a sidenote, I considered not talking about some of the gross stuff above. But, then, bad taste prevailed for the sake of entertainment, as it usually does, and I realized you sick sons-of-bitches would eat it up. Well...not literally...now THAT would be gross.So...now that I'm back, know that you were missed. I'm considerably better now. And happy to be back. :)
posted by PJ
7:50 AM
Out of sorts...
For the few that read this regularly...I'm going to be out of sorts for a few days. Much has come up, and it requires all my attention. Nothing bad...just the kind of busy that keeps you in check for 99% of your waking hours.Keep checkin' back...I should be back to bloggin' in a couple of days.Holla.
posted by PJ
10:33 PM
Am I Having Fun?
Stole this from Spinning Girl...
| Your Power Color Is Gold |
At Your Highest:
You are engrossed in passions that mentally stimulate you.
At Your Lowest:
You seek thrills and neglect what's important in your life.
In Love:
You see dating as adventure and approach it with an open attitude.
How You're Attractive:
You passion for life makes others passionate about you.
Your Eternal Question:
"Am I Having Fun?" |
posted by PJ
10:50 PM
BCC'd like a Sea Lion
This was forwarded to me from a friend. He got an e-mail from a buddy of his, and what MY friend forwarded was their e-mail exchange. My buddy was BCC'd on it.
Priceless.
-------------------------------------------------------------------From: *********
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2005 5:22 PM
To: PJ
Subject: FW: ugh
Piz,So, friends of mine were at The Hunt at Far Hills Race Track in New Jersey this weekend and ran into another friend of theirs with this blonde chick (who I guess he was seeing.) Regardless, read the first email from Elizabeth (the Blonde) and then Brad's (my friend) response back to her.....too funny to not forward on: Subject: ughBrad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that Iam truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say allof us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know thatfighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that youwon't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that. I am so sorry.Elizabeth -------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Elizabeth,Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.P.S. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email. Talk to you never,Brad
posted by PJ
3:51 AM
The Snooze Game
I would challenge everyone who comes across this to the following duel:There is no one better at the Snooze Game than me.You know which game I'm talking about. The "how long could I possibly sleep in 9 minute increments before I'm threatened to be late" game.I set my alarm for 6:50 this morning. Got up at 8:29.There are two elements to the Snooze Game.First, there's the "how far ahead you set your clock in an effort to fool yourself into thinking it's later than it really is so you'll get up and still have time to get ready" element. (Sidenote: Scientists are working on a shorter name for this.)But, it doesn't work, does it. Nope. I used to set my clock something like 36 minutes fast. Yet for some reason, I could do the equivalent of quantum physics in my head with one eye open, and the other filled with eye-boogers. I could calculate the time my CLOCK would have to read, for it to have passed the threshold of lateness. If only I could harness such a power for evil...The second element is the "every 9 minutes" element. Why snooze buttons don't snooze in another increment is bizarre to me.It's also another example of amazing math at amazing times. For some reason, you can calculate when your alarm will again go off, hours in advance of the current blaring of noise. Remarkable.The oddest thing to me, is the idea that my body and mind THINK that dozing off for 9 minutes at a time is actually healthy sleep. While my brain can do amazing math, apparently logic isn't a strong suit.They say we only use about 10% of our brains. It's probably because the other 90% is sleeping.
posted by PJ
7:14 AM
I can visit him and not have to clip coupons.
