Signing off...if only for a little while
Well...Today marks the first day of my vacation. I'll be around, but doubt I'll be blogging much. Likely not at all. My apologies if I've become part of your daily reading. Wait. I'm not sorry if I've become part of your daily reading. I'm sorry if I've become part of your daily reading and I'm not going to be posting, therefore not allowing you to read it on a daily basis. There. That's better.I'm not going to be lame and wish everyone good tidings and cheer. Your holiday will be whatever you make of it. Me wishing good things upon you, however sincere, won't actually affect things unless you want them to. BUT, I do hope it is a good few days for you.Oh, and don't waste your time trying to make New Year's Eve some kind of epic evening. Like many days of the year, it will be a let down if you put too much work into it. Beware the New Year's Eve. Just let it be, and find some quality people to hang out with. That makes for the best possible evening.Here's to 2006. :) I'll be back on January 3rd.
posted by PJ
8:42 AM
Happy OSW
Today's OSW: A picture of Office Christmas Pictures.
posted by PJ
12:50 PM
Ice, Ice Baby
OK, really. Is there anything funnier than watching someone slip on ice?
It's seriously the single most entertaining and sad-at-the-same-time thing there is, I think. No matter how cool you look, trendy you are, or "together" your life is, there is just no cool way to manage icy parking lots.
EVERYONE looks like a total idiot, as we try to simply survive the walk to our cars. Minutes ago, I walked out into my parking lot to get something out of my car, and counted no less than 4 times in which I completely thought I was going to bite it. And, I'm pretty sure a little pee came out each time. Priorities, I suppose. Balance overrides bladder. Owned.
There are only a few times in life when hilarity and depression coincide with the exact same situation. Like when an animal or person meets a gruesome, horrific, hilariously unexpected death in a movie or something. Or when you're in a race to get home because you have to take a shit, and just as you get out of your car, you poop your pants a little bit. On one hand, it really sucks, but on the other, it's really fuckin' hilarious.
When someone finally falls on the ice, you have to fight back the laughter in an effort to provide the more socially acceptable action of concern for their well-being. You'll find yourself considerably more vocal about your concern, because it's easier than trying to stiffle the "church giggles" that are brewin'.While I wish pain on few, fuck 'em. I think it's hilarious. Even when I do it. If you don't want me laughing at you, watch where you step.Kisses.
posted by PJ
11:21 AM
Santa Day
Ponder this... There's been much controversy regarding the religious (or in the case of this year, the LACK of religious) nature of the holidays. Everyone's afraid to say "Merry Christmas" or anything similar for fear of offending. Even the White House sent out "Happy Holiday" cards instead of Christmas Cards. In addition, there seems to be a renewed interest in the intense commercialism of the season. Everyone wants to capatalize on the spirit of the holidays and, well, simply make a buck. That pisses off a bunch of people. Personally, I couldn't care less...as it relates to Christmas, it seems to me that it's been a REALLY long time since anyone woke up Christmas morning and shouted HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS! Just because we're jaded now doesn't mean we should be all pissed that someone has thought to make a little skrilla off of it. But I digress... What if we went a different route? What if we created something new and fresh that was the best of both worlds? In that light, I present: SANTA DAY The idea behind Santa Day is such: A day in which EVERYONE can celebrate, regardless of religious background. Let's say we put such a day on the 26th or 27th of December. As individuals, we can celebrate our respective religious days on our own. Christians can high-five Jesus. Jews can chill with Hanukkah Harry. And so on. THEN, on Santa Day, we can ALL come together and celebrate the commercialism of the season with fruitcake, Hokey-Pokey Elmos, Xbox 360s and self-propelled vacuums.
Before you comment with some weird "Santa Claus was based on something religious," I ask you this: When was the last time that you ever looked at a Mall Santa and thought, "Wow. If THAT'S not the Spirit of Jesus, I don't know what is." My point exactly.
St. Nick was really just a folk hero to kids. And now, more than ever, is the face of the commercialism we're immersed in a love/hate relationship with. He should have his own, new day.So, as you prepare for the in-laws, or the creepy uncle that keeps trying to get your teenage sister to sit on his lap, keep Santa Day in the back of your mind. It seems like just the kind of thing that could bring the harmony this season was supposed to be about in the first place.Happy Santa Day.
posted by PJ
8:45 AM
Things that made me giggle while pooping in a public restroom
Now, by public restroom, I really mean the bathroom at work. However, it's built like a public pooper, and there are definite correlations.Ever notice, when you're originally alone in a public restroom, and then someone comes in, you HAVE to make a sound of sorts to let them know you're in there? I'm not sure if that's more of a courtesy for them or you. Personally, I think I do it so they don't do something they'd be embarassed about if they found out I was in there...after the fact.Another reason to make noises: when you feel a loud-ish fart coming on, or when you know your poo is about to hit the water. There's little worse then ever-silent bathroom tiles echoing the sounds of your dingleberry hitting the water.Wait. I thought of something...Diarrhea. The only thing worse than diarrhea in general is trying to have it quietly in a public restroom. It's kinda tough to look a co-worker, or complete stranger for that matter, in the eye, and explain to them that you're not sure what you ate, but you could basically poop through a screen door and not hit a wire.P.S. They know. They just heard you.Whether it's the rustling of papers, coughing or shuffling of feet...you'll find SOME way to "divert" the attention of your potty-mates. Me? I find a hearty giggle works just fine. After all, while trying to think of some noise to "non-chalantly" make, I usually just end up laughing at myself for feeling the need to do such a thing in the first place.We all poop. It's a regular subject here because I think it's silly that it's so taboo. Believe me...if we DIDN'T all "drop the kids off at the pool", we'd have a considerably worse time getting through our days. They're usually fucked up enough as it is.
posted by PJ
4:38 AM
Thursday Thinking Out Loud
- This morning, I noticed that there are almost 40 patents on the back of the packaging that my toilet paper is packaged in. Wow. I wonder if the CEO of Charmin ever wipes with something else and says, "Wha? These sons-of-bitches are using one of our patents!"- I wonder if someone has ever thought to wreck their car in order to get the insurance money so they can make the payment on the car. For some reason, that seems perfectly acceptable to me.- Boston Legal may just be the greatest show on TV right now. I just discovered it a few weeks ago, and it is a complete can't-miss hit for me each week. YOU may not think it's the best, but I at least encourage you to watch it once or twice. It's that good. Denny Crane.- I brushed my teeth three times this morning. It still tastes like a midget shit in my mouth.- Anyone remember the board game "Stratego"? I really liked that game, but don't even remember how it was played. Rit's "Strategery" made me think of that.- If you work in an office environment, have you ever noticed that there's that one person who coordinates all the "team-building" events and parties, but you have NO idea what else they do? We have someone like that here. She has an office in the corner, and no one really sees her much until it's Christmas Party Time or Hayride and Cornfield Maze Time. Yes, we have hayrides. Shut up.- It's Thursday, but I'm ready for the weekend. In addition, I'm now in Senioritis mode and can't wait for my vacation time. I'm taking 12/22/05 through 1/2/06 off. It can NOT get here fast enough.
posted by PJ
8:28 AM
Tasty Treats
Today's OSW is dedicated to the tasty foodstuffs that I've received from co-workers. Yummy.
Happy OSW. :)
posted by PJ
1:50 PM
The whole concept of laundry is wrong.
It's really frustrating how one has to do laundry.
I'm wearing what one might term an "outfit" today. Undershirt, underwear, button-down, jeans, jacket, socks, shoes, accessories, etc.
Let's say I want to wear this outfit again this next weekend when I'm out. Well, not without washing it.
Therein lies the rub.
Can I wash this outfit all together? Hell no.
First, it must be separated. Jacket, shoes and accessories don't need washing. All good there. Undershirt and underwear can go into the same pile, as they're similar colors and types of fabric. Button-down requires special washing and hanging. Jeans will leak blue if I wash them with anything too light. Ugh. Socks are easy, but don't fit into any previous category.
Now, with one outfit, I have multiple loads of laundry. Will I waste detergent to run four to six loads of laundry with one item a piece? Of course not. I now have to wait until there are enough clothes in each category to actually justify a load of wash.
I know what you're thinking. "Uh yeah...we all know this...that's the way it's always been."
That's my point. Isn't that stupid?! In all our infinite wisdom and technology, we haven't figured out a better way to create clothing? We have cheese in a can, and e-mail in our cell phones, but we can't think of how to make one red sock not turn every white I own, pink?
This almost ranks up there with how rediculous windshield wipers are. Again...we have cars with cruise control that can detect upcoming vehicles and apply the brakes if you're coming up on them too fast, yet we don't have a way to rid your windshield of rain, snow, and ice that doesn't completely suck ass.
Anyway...forgive the rant today. I spent a lot of time doing very little laundry, and can barely see out of my windshield because of all the residual snow/slush crap that's dried on it, and is difficult to remove with shitty wipers.
Happy Monday.
posted by PJ
3:02 PM
Friday "Get Me The Fuck Out Of Here" Thoughts.
Got tagged by BK Babe:It was to be entitled "Things I have not changed because I have tolerated". I've been thinkin' and thinkin'. It's really one of the tougher tags.I suppose I've put up with a certain lack of cleanliness in my life for some time. I've gotten a LOT better, but I still have a certain level of Ick that I'm willing to live with.I suppose I'm not the best with money. Again, another thing that's gotten steadily better as I've gotten older. I spend CONSIDERABLY less frivolously.Outside of that, I really try to live my life in a way that allows for change. It's made me pretty happy.Sorry BK, if that doesn't really fit the bill.As to the rest of Friday...Last night was a "client holiday party" in which a bunch of advertisers come by and we schmooze until we want to puke. Good news was, there was plenty of food, and a TON of booze.A client holiday party is much like a staff holiday party, in which people are seemingly so overjoyed that they aren't working (and sans spouses, I might add), that they're willing to drink the night away and say whatever pops into their head.People wonder why I blurt things out and have a pretty poor filter when it comes to political correctness. Well, primarily it's because when I'm at a party such as the above, I can end up drunk, and no one thinks twice about what I say. Someone who works at a bank, say, would have a much harder time looking co-workers in the eye after they got hammered at a Christmas party and humped an inanimate object.Put it this way...my office was dubbed "The Make Out Room" by 7:30pm. Oh, and someone actually had to send an e-mail out today that said the following...and I quote:"For whoever left your pants in the Channel 963 side studio, you can pick them up in the Channel 963 jock office."It was a fun party.It's ironic, because our staff Christmas parties are usually not as fun. Those things are fun for some because, again, if you worked at a bank, you'd go day to day and see little of your co-workers' personalities. In radio, we're jackasses, and we pretty much wear that on our sleeves. So...when you put booze in us, we don't end up much different. BUT...when clients who live stuffy lives and have stuffy jobs get thrown into the mix, all Hell breaks loose, and a good time can be had by all.So, here's to drunk co-workers. And the girl last night who did that one thing with her tongue. Some people should get paid for talents like that.
posted by PJ
3:34 PM
OSW and the return of Action Figure Jesus
Well...since Action Figure Jesus was such a hit last week, I feel a recurring theme...For OSW this week, I present Action Figure Jesus making a call.
posted by PJ
9:16 AM
Guts or Balls?
We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
The funeral is Saturday.
posted by PJ
11:54 PM
Accidentally Out
Sometimes, "I think I'm just going to take it easy" turns into, "Another round of shots. And this time, put some STANK on it."
I call it being "Accidentally Out". Sure, it's really your fault that you gave into peer pressure. It's really your fault that the next round is on you. However, the importance lies in your lack of intention for such to ever take place.I know, on the surface, it sounds about as guilt-free as, "Honey, I accidentally slipped and my penis ended up in her." But again, it's the INTENTION in this case. One, you want to make an appearance, and be able to put in some quality hang time with your friends. Second, there are only so many times you can be called a pussy before you haul your stupid ass 30 minutes out of your way for ill-advised drinking.Flash back to Friday night. Before you get excited, there's no debaucherous "following morning". It does end with an outcome I didn't expect when the night began, though.Basically the short-list of what was intended:- A couple of drinks on the East Side.- A movie on the East Side.- Dropping friends off; saying "call me tomorrow" to others.- Phone call to yet others, mentioning that I'm tired and probably just going to go home.- The End.What happened:- A couple of drinks on the East Side. - A movie on the East Side. - Dropping friends off; saying "call me tomorrow" to others. - Phone call to yet others, mentioning that I'm tired and probably just going to go home.- "Don't be such a fucking pussy" eminating from my phone at such volume levels that one could only assume that the beer was doing the talking.- A drive to the West Side.- Drinks on the West Side.- Friends too drunk to drive home.- The search for houses of drunk friends.- A very, VERY excitable Pug.- A cat, pissed off at the Christmas Tree.- A bottle of wine.- Drunk conversations about "what my passions are" and "what I'd be doing if I weren't doing what I'm doing now".- Getting yelled at for not having answers to the above questions.- The Three Tests.- More wine.- Being accused of being in love with people that don't exist.- Two cigarettes.- A Pug that snuck out when we weren't looking.- Looking for said dog.- Everything back to normal.- A period of sobering up.- More conversation.- Goodbye pleasentries.- The drive home.See how many more steps to that night there are than the original plan? It was an accident.But, even accidents yield good times. Such was Friday.
posted by PJ
3:38 AM
How are YOU in Love?
Something about Friday makes me not feel motivated to blog. Not sure why. Good news is, there's about a zillion of these silly quizzes to do and post. Happy weekend.
| How You Are In Love |
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
posted by PJ
3:35 AM
A little bit OCD, a little bit Rock-N-Roll
There was something I had to do today. I mean, HAD to.As I was getting out of the elevator in my building, I HAD to push all of the buttons. Yes, I sent that elevator to every floor after I exited. And the basement.Now, normally, I wouldn't do such a thing. It's rather juvenille. However, I certainly think about it. It got me thinkin' about something else...I have a feeling that most of us have a little Obsessive Compulsive in us. Some of us more than others.Of course, I don't mean the kind of crippling 18-time handwashing type of OCD. Just little stuff.Here are some examples of mine:My earrings. Most don't notice this one, but I end up touching them a zillion times a day. They're those 12-guage horse-shoe types with the screw-on ends. I don't know why I have an obsession with them. Perhaps I'm afraid I'll lose them.Necklace Clasps. If you have a necklace on, and the clasp has made it's way to the bottom/front of the chain, you damn well better believe I'm going to say something. Make a wish or do whatever. I don't care. I just need that clasp in the right place.Shirt/Bra tags. If your shirt or bra tag is sticking out, see "Necklace Clasps." A close second to this one is bra straps. While some would just enjoy the view and maybe even log the memory for the ole Spank Bank, my skin crawls. I'll try to be discreet when I tell you about them, but discretion takes a back seat to the need to fix the problem.How are you OCD?
posted by PJ
8:38 AM
